I believe that too many times we alienate ourselves from the support of others by presuming that we are all so different when in fact we are all so the same. I know that I have the same feelings about my children that 99% of mothers have every day. I also know that I certainly don't want to tell anyone that when that tiny, cute, priceless, three year old head peeked over the edge of my bed at 7 a.m. and said , "Mom, the sun is up" I did not melt into maternal bliss at how cute and priceless she was and how lucky I was to be her mom and be doing the most important job in the world. I really, really wanted to go to sleep for one more hour and live in my childless world for justonedaydeargodplease!!!!! I knew that moment was the start of yet another long, long day full of screaming and fighting and pinching and cooking and cleaning and monotony and the same thing over over and over and repetitive and redundant and bla, bla and if I was really lucky I would have a millisecond with each child that made at least some of it worth it. I don't want to post that on my blog. On some level in my mind I don't want the world to know that I live a real life that includes screaming, poop, laundry, public tantrums, crying, less than perfect vacations, resentment, anger, boredom, exasperation...all the stuff that I feel every single day!
So as a service to any mother that may feel isolated by her reality, by her feelings and experiences in motherhood I offer you some excerpts from my blog with a dash of reality thrown in...the italicized parts are the real, raw and uncensored REALITY of my life...here goes...
*Excerpted from "Leavin on a jet plane"...
4 days with no kids or husband in beautiful Scio, Oregon. Don't ask me where the hell I am going...I'm just along for the kid-free, husband-free, free-in-general cuz I'm going with my mom, ride.
If I don't leave this house in the next 24 hours with my mom I will leave by myself and never, never come back. I am on the verge of a serious breakdown if I have to be in the same zip code as my husband and kids for one more day!!!!!!!!!
*Excerpted from "Bloggers Block"...
I am alive but I am having bloggers block so I will leave you with a picture that is hopefully worth a thousand words. (picture of me in tiny Dodge go-cart)
I am having bloggers block because I am so depressed I can hardly get dressed and every time I look at this picture I think it will cheer me up but instead it makes me sad that I can't find that happy girl.
*Excerpted from "I had..."
Please know Corinna that my heart goes out to you. It makes me short of breath thinking of what you may be feeling.
I lay in bed awake almost every night thinking about death and it paralyzes me to think about my dad dying and then I lay awake longer feeling guilty because I don't get paralyzed over anyone else dying.
*Excerpted from "The owner of this blog said..."
The weather was gorgeous and it didn't rain until our last day so we went to the outlet mall, had some pizza and then headed off.
While we were at the outlet mall I only went into 3 stores because Jamie was so unbearably psychotic that every store I wanted to go into induced a fit that could rival that girl on the exorcist. We had to eat pizza at the house because there was no flippin' way I was taking that devil-child to a restaurant. And the ride home? She screamed bloody murder from Ontario to our driveway.
So there it is...guilt, anxiety, depression, nervous breakdown, less than perfect kids. It's all there, we all feel it, we all could benefit from being more honest. I know I feel better already!