Holidays, families and homicidal peacemakers

I am a middle child. I am a woman. I am a peacemaker. It is my job as the highly under appreciated middle child and female sex. It's what I DO.
I want both families to be happy. I really do. I just don't want to be the one responsible for making that happen. I'm done being the middle child. I want to be the baby child just once in my life. I want to just do whatever I'm told and know that it will be taken care of.
Or maybe I could be a male child, get married and push all the responsibility of family peacemaker onto my wife. Then when her family and mine think she is a total bitch...well I won't care! AND no one will blame me for not caring because it is my wife's job to make holiday arrangements. By the way...It's also my wife's job to ensure my children's health and properly fitting shoes. It's her job to make sure that I have clean socks in the morning and it's also her job to ensure I don't divorce her because she doesn't put out. Oh, and she is responsible (and to blame) for all matters relating to sex including the prevention of children and vaginal dryness!
That's what I would do if I had a wife!
But instead I am the wife and I am the one who will fight this battle year after year and I am the one that is to blame when my children are poisoned against holidays. And they will hate Thanksgiving especially because that was the day their mother flew into a homicidal rage and carved their daddy up with a butter knife.