This post was supposed to be about my new job at Jimmy's shop but as I sit here and think about what I want to write I keep going back to these thoughts that have been swirling around in my head for a couple days. They're just thoughts. I have no opinion yet and I am making no judgements on myself. I am not taking action, rather I am just feeling them. Mulling them over. The creative movement teacher at the kids' school says that one of her goals with children and yoga is to get them to "sit with their emotions, whatever they may be". And I think that sums up what I am doing right now.
Ok, I know this is going to sound a little over the top Oprah-y but those of you who know me, know that I am a really down to earth person so I won't worry too much.
Thoughts...I tell myself that I know how to take care of myself. I tell myself that I have a sense of who I am and I make time in my life to do things that nurture myself. Is that really true? Isn't it true that the things I do for "myself" I actually do for my family? Is it even possible for women to do things strictly for themselves? If it is possible, is it ok? Do I have any thing, person, activity, place or job in my life that is solely mine? Do I get to dream about a life that isn't wrapped up in being the caregiver? Does being a mom mean that you have to put everyone else's needs first?
So, there are the thoughts. Like I said before, there is no judgement in them. I'm just sitting with them.
So, maybe you are wondering what all this has to do with my new job?! I have been working at Jimmy's shop for a few weeks. Yesterday I wrote myself my first paycheck (I'm doing the bookkeeping) for exactly 475.00. (The amount of Olivia's school tuition) When I held that check in my hand I had one of those "my life flashed before my eyes" moments and I saw with perfect clarity that every single thing I do is for my husband or children. I saw how everything was intertwined and how every path, every action, led back to the same thing.
And so I ask myself those questions and I think those thoughts and I wonder. Is this the way it's supposed to be?